working through it

the last 3 days have been a bit difficult. up until this morning, i had no idea or inkling of why my stomach was tied-up in a knot. i took a quick inventory of what might have triggered something & came up w/nothing. overall, my life is drama free & pretty stable right now. i asked the Lord each day what was causing the anxiety/nervousness. i didn't hear anything. was it something someone said? was it a look? i don't have any work stress right now. what the heck?

after my run this morning, i went into the kitchen to get my daily oatmeal & raisins. as i opened the cabinet, i got a frog in my throat. the kind where you're trying to hold back from crying. what they heck, Lord? what's bothering me so much, Lord? i put my bowl down, put both hands on the counter & cried. i was releasing something, but didn't know what it was, yet. a minute later i wiped my eyes & the Lord shared what was going on.

you see, my dad passed away about a year ago. also, his birthday is coming up on june 17th. w/o going into the details, he caused a lot of hurt in my life. for the most part, i'm doing better & progressing slowly. if you knew him & don't know what i'm talking about, then it's good that you don't hear the details. remember him how you choose to- i'm okay w/that; however, i lived w/him & i'll leave it at that.

as i think a bit on my dad it brings up thoughts about my mom. i hope she's doing okay. i hope she's choosing Jesus over all the other things. i hope she's getting help like i am. i hope she's healthy. mingled w/my hopes for her is a truth-based pain about this whole thing: what some people take for granted (good relationship w/parents), i have never had. this seems incredibly unfair. i have taken it up w/Jesus already. He told me that He is sad about it, too. He told me that He loves me. He told me that He's my daddy & my everything. He told me that He'll use this hurt/pain for His glory. He'll work this for my good & the good of others.

i believe Him. just gotta be patient & work through it. today is a day where"joy & sorrow are deeply mingled."

love ya,
jay