it's been a really good year

about a year ago this time, i was a hurtin' unit. i was really overweight, smoking too much, & had little to no physical activity going on. to top that off, i was really raw from church planting failures & even more raw from hurting numerous people that were involved: family & friends. in so many ways, i was committing a form of suicide on myself: addictions & self-loathing.

i needed a big change in my life. i needed to make a commitment to treat myself w/love, & honor God in it. i had a family that needed me & loved me. so, why couldn't i just do it? why couldn't i just grit my teeth, get white-knuckled, & be disciplined about it?

through the years, i had stopped & started numerous "good for me" things. it had become the cycle of my life: get guilty, start diet/exercise, get tired, get unmotivated, drift away from plan, & forget plan. repeat last process whenever guilt returns. i sometimes wondered if i'd continue to do this my whole life. didn't i love God & my family enough? what was my problem? i'm sure some of you can relate to this sort of thing.

mindy & my girls had started reminding me that it would be good if i started exercising. as usual this became quite irritating & @ times i got pretty pissed. w/them knowing that i had high cholesterol, was overweight, & was smoking- they wanted me around later on. i agreed & made claims to be the bestest exerciser in the whole-wide-world. so, my sweet kayla started buggin' me quite a bit about going running w/her. she thought it would be fun to do it together. i thought it would be good to spend some time w/my daughter.

kayla & i started out running for about 30 seconds, then walk for a few minutes. this pretty much played out like this: i ran about walking pace w/kayla ahead of me cheering me on. "you can do it, dad. just a little further, dad." kayla is the consummate encourager & motivator. though it can be irritating to hear her chipmunk voice encouragements, i knew the heart behind it. she loved me & wanted good for me. this in itself was immensely motivating. some days were absolutely horrible when we "ran." sometimes, after runs, i would have a smoke later that night. i knew that running & smoking shouldn't be on the same team, but i was working on one thing at a time.

received an e-mail from my good friend, dennis clifton, & it was an article by danielle durant. a little bit later i got an audio file from dennis by ravi zacharias. dennis told me that he liked the article/audio file & that i should give it a read/listen. i liked them, too. both the article & audio files were on IDENTITY in Christ. i know, i know, these sort of sermons are nothing new. we've all heard them. this knowledge had been in my head for quite some time. in reading & listening, something clicked "inside." all the knowledge of who I was in Christ was slowly making its way to my heart. you mean i could re-shift my focus from negative/destructive things to life-giving, positive things? in order for this to take place, i needed to know who i was in my heart/soul. as this started to sink in, i found it much easier to treat myself w/love & kindness. God loves me & cares for me. i should, too. i was worth it.

shortly after the above epiphany & some theo sessions (thanks dennis & georgia), i started noticing that my desire for destructive things were lessening. i was starting to "realize/understand" who i was in Christ & He was deep-level healing me. i made a commitment to exercise & to stop smoking for the rest of my life. i had done this before, but something was different this time. i actually wanted to exercise & had no desire for putting another smoke in my mouth. what had changed?

in passing dennis one sunday morning, i said something that just shot out of my mouth. i wasn't thinking on this & definitely hadn't planned to say it: "hey, dennis, we should run a marathon." what the heck did i just say? my mouth was writing a check that my a$$ couldn't cash. so i thought. my mouth said something prophetic. i would run a marathon. i would run two in that year. because God was in this, would this mean that there was nothing required of me? of course not. there would be training. there would be no smoking. there would be watching what i eat a bit more. there would be a necessary effort in my commitment. it takes two in a relationship. if i would obey & do my part (train & be smart), the Lord would do His (He always does).

a year after my first runs of wheezing, extreme sweating, lung chunk extractions, little aches & pains, here i stand; no smoking & still exercising. ptL! along w/the health victory- is the emotional healing that has taken place. i believe that as emotional healing occurs, we'll see areas that have been incredibly difficult to overcome- become easier to overcome. i don't want a smoke- seriously/honestly! i don't want to have backaches from a gut that weighs me down. i don't want to be riddled w/anxiety that squeezes the very life out of me.

it's been a really good year. thanks to all that have taken an active part in it. i love you. i look forward to new levels of victory in this new year. i pray that this year be full of positive events that become the foundation of my memory. i will run a marathon in the next year where i'll break the 5 hour mark. i will eat healthier. i will be more open for business & more willing to try things.

this long post isn't an exercise in sharing a formula for being happy. i'm simply stating that there's a few principles that apply to all: know your identity in Christ, know yourself, seek healing, obey, commit, & persevere.

have a great year!