arguing in love

arguing with a spouse or loved one doesn't always go well. often it's arguments that lead to people growing apart. it's usually the words spoken during the argument that does the wounding. you all have argued before, so i won't pull a "captain obvious" on this one. i want to touch on some ideas that i think you'll find helpful while arguing.

have you ever been arguing over something relatively small & your fighting as if to save your life? the argument moves from a simple form of communication (complaint, irritation, disagreement, etc..) to a poison dart & boulder throwing contest. have you ever wondered why we go to such extreme measures in hurting our spouse/loved one in order to "win" the argument?

what if arguments aren't to be won? what if the "winning/edification/building-up" is accomplished/established by God in "how" we argue? how often does how i feel when arguing not match the matter/situation @ hand? have you ever been asked why you're so upset during an argument? inside your mind you know that the anger/rage/hurt doesn't match the situation, but you continue anyway.

maybe we use words like: always, never, & forever to win our arguments.?. "you are always stubborn. you never treat me w/respect. you haven't hugged me forever." those are just a few, but you could fill-in the blanks from the arguments in your own relationships. we often go into "battle-mode" when arguing w/our loved ones. it's a "win-at-any-cost" battle & some of us have some nasty weapons.

here are a few of my "former" weapons that i used in "combat:" turn-the-tables, confuse & make the other feel stupid, tire them out by repetition, philosophize on the true meanings of words, usher in the past, intimidate, threaten, walk-out/away, slam doors, & others. we have favorites that we've used (or still do) in "winning" our arguments.

what if our nasty, disproportionate, emotional, dramatic, chest-puffing, fist-clinching, teeth-grinding, cry-baby, better-than-thou, tactics only signified or pointed to the true problem? the argument is usually not the problem, our loved one isn't usually that bad, so why do we fight w/such ferocity? how does our loved one become our opponent in battle & our worst enemy- all over an innocent comment about how dishes in a dishwasher are arranged? how does my loved one become the adversary?

in my own life, i have recently (about a year) come to take a closer look @ why & how i argue. is it possible that my "baggage" gets stirred up & the stench ensues? could what i'm arguing about & how i'm handling it have nothing to do w/the present? sure i got irritated or pissed, but why do i feel tight in the chest & see red? sounds like garbage stirring to me. is it possible that many, if not most, are simply two people butting heads w/their garbage? to be blatantly honest, i look back @ most of my times when someone disagreed & blaringly see that my over-the-top response was due to unresolved issues in my life, certain triggers/stirrings flared-up different hurts, lies, etc...

i'm challenged w/arguing in a new way. a way that is loving & kind even during the argument. if something stirs something, then i look to discover what the root issue is. my desire is to argue/disagree/discuss/correct/be corrected/held accountable/hold accountable in ways that are loving. i want to calmly convey my thoughts while holding her hands or hugging her. i never again want to stare into her eyes w/intimidation or threat. i want to be able to hear hard things about me & hold hands calmly sitting on the edge of our bed. i don't want to fight back. i don't want an opponent for a wife. in working towards these things, i must first be committed to letting God transform/change/heal/restore/re-shape/re-wire no matter how hard it is.

i encourage us to recognize any triggers that throw us into nasty ways of arguing/hurting our loved ones. i encourage us to ask, "why do i do that or why does that hurt so much?" i encourage us to strip-away the view or habit of viewing our spouses/loved ones as opponents. i encourage us to be kind & love one another right smack dab in the middle of our arguments.

i think this type of thinking can & may be something to be considered in all our relationship/interactions w/others. our words & actions will build or destroy.


Proverbs 16:24
Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.