over the past year, insights/revelations about myself have come like crashing waves. don't get me wrong on this, these "waves" have been Jesus' hand of mercy & healing in my soul. the best way that i can explain it is by saying, "it's a good pain."
can pain be good? ABSOLUTELY- YES!
a good pain/fatigue is like when a runner has pushed out their "wall/threshold" of fitness (level) & has an endorphin high/clarity/sense of accomplishment, but the muscles/joints/& even hair follicles hurt.
another good pain/fatigue is the emotional kind. humor me for a second & imagine your inner-most-being (soul) being represented/symbolized by a little character/person. my symbolic little guy is laying on the couch getting some rest, right now. the pain/fatigue from coming into knowledge, experientially/realized, is a lot for us to handle. it must be digested & time to think on & rest. my emotional guy is feeling really good, but his brain & flesh are having much pain. make sense?
this recent "wave of insight" has been especially "heavy" (a good heavy). i have "realized", as opposed to, "head knowledge only", that even when i've tried my very best to be a good husband & servant, & unbeknownst to me on a conscious level, i have incredibly hurt my wife over the last 15 yrs. out of my "woundedness/messed-upness", i have operated out of that hurt in dealing w/my wife. it's not like i sat down one day & made a plan to bully & intimidate her when she disagreed. it's not like i planned to storm out of the house when she stated her opinions. it's not like i planned to make her fearful of me; therefore, saying she's sorry for things she hasn't done wrong- just to make things nice/peaceful between us. I DID NOT PLAN THESE THINGS!
however, i am still responsible for the hurts/offenses i've caused & must reconcile (confess, ask forgiveness, & repent-180). it is a strange occurrence to ask for forgiveness for something you didn't intentionally plan to do. the weight of Jesus' insight mixed w/the hurt on her face & the need for me to reconcile- was INCREDIBLY HEAVY.
in order for our relationship to grow & be restored/healed, i had to, & more than that- i wanted to, clear-up anything in our relationship that was still causing hurt, resentment, & blockages. i have had enough of putting on circumstantial faces (masks), all-the-while my wife is hurting because i'm a hot-head w/issues for 12 men. :-)
as we've joined w/a close friend couple to see that i work through this & re-build the trust in our marriage, i have to fight-off thoughts of being a "loser/zero" of a husband & just stand firm on my recent insights/truths & Jesus will continue to grow our marriage.
me & min, right now, are in the best spot of our lives together. we've been together since 1990 & she's been a total trooper in helping work through my stuff.
i love you, min! i'm absolutely ecstatic that we have many years ahead of us & i get to spend them w/you. thank you. -jrb
4 comments:
This all sounds like the premise for songs by Tool (possibly "Forty Six & 2," "TheGrudge," or "Schism). That being said, I completely understand.
Your metamorphasis is a beautiful thing, and I prefer songs by Tool (post 1996) rather than analogies regarding butterfiles in order to illustrate that point.
plucky and i were having this conversation about how to comment on things that are personal, leave little to be said, or that we have nothing really to say about (or all 3). we decided that we might simply go around saying "i was here" to encourage the author that their material is being read.
i was here
I will follow diga's & plucky's example:
I was here too. And I was not listening to Tool...
I was here too. Thanks for being there for me Sunday.
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