i played sports year-round growing up: football, basketball, track, racquetball, wrestling, & soccer. some years i played one over the other, because they were happening simultaneously.
football was some serious business in my house. "be the best, crush 'em, make me proud". most of the time, i played: running back, receiver, defensive back, kick returner, & punt returner. it has been said that i'm "fast as lightning". i ran the 40 yard dash in 4.3 seconds. you probably can't tell by looking @ me now. :-)
this speed of mine allowed me to treat defenders like they were standing still sometimes. i was hard to tackle & sneaky. my favorite move was the "juke" & "spin". it was not uncommon for me to run for 2-4 touchdowns per game. i hope this doesn't sound like bragging. i'm simply stating how it was.
by the time i got to high school (mcqueen), the coaches had big plans for me. my freshman year, i rushed for more than 1000 yards, received for 500+ yards, & returned 12 punts/kicks for touchdowns. i know, it sounds like more bragging, but trust me- it's not.
the tide changed for me during my sophomore year @ mcqueen. during summer training camp, i started getting blisters on my feet (got orthotics) & a sharp pain in my bottom that made my leg go numb. the sharp pain in my butt was caused by a slightly crooked spine & a shifted hip. the doctor said that these were injuries from years of getting tackled as a ball carrier. the sciatic nerve was getting pinched & i often lost the ability to use my right leg. this causes problems during summer training when the coaches are expecting you to run a bunch of touchdowns. it also doesn't help that my dad often looked to find his worth through my ability to run a football.
sometimes while running sweeps (requires a lot of sprinting to the outside) the nerve would pinch & i would get a very sharp pain (like electrocution), then the leg would stop working. this would often show up in me sprinting, then out of nowhere, i'd fall flat on my face in the middle of the field w/o anyone around me.
my dad & coaches had a dilemma here. they brainstormed for a while, then came up w/ the master plan: we'll get some pain meds & muscle relaxants to cover the problem, so he can still play. every morning & afternoon, i would take 1 muscle relaxant, 1 pain killer, & 2 nodoz. every month i would get a shot of cortisone into my feet & into my back.
never was my physical or emotional health considered in all of this. i was a piece of meat. during this time, i believed some lies about myself: success is a must @ all costs, i am less important than success, i'm not worth love unless i perform just right, love is always conditional, & you get the picture.
i've been healed over time in this area. all the lies replaced w/Jesus' truth about me and/or the situation. after going into the hospital for an injured spine & internal organs, i returned home & continued taking medications & receiving physical therapy. i couldn't finish out my sophomore year & had to quit the team. my dad & coaches stopped talking to me. my dad didn't say a single word to me for about a year (i'm not kidding here). my coaches were also teachers @ the school. they used to say that i was a puss & couldn't handle the pain like a man.
i remember feeling rejected by my dad & my coaches. jay didn't matter, what jay could provide mattered the most to them. i needed to hear from my dad that- i was what mattered the most & that he was concerned for me. i needed to hear that football was just a sport & what was called for now was my well-being. i missed playing football terribly. i couldn't bring myself to go to games, because of the emotional pain it would stir up.
my dad finally broke his silence a year later (fall of '87) & said, "ya done bein' a puss"?
why do i bring this sort of thing up? to feel sorry for myself? to get you to feel sorry for me? NO, & NO.
i want you guys to consider if there's been moments in your lives that have caused you to be hurt & to believe something false about yourself.
5 comments:
there are probably a lot of lies i believe about myself. only A's were good enough for my dad. didn't matter what the subject was, i had to be smart. i finally quit trying in high school, dropped out at 16. (i did get my ged after topher was born). the grades were more important than what was going on with me, parents divorce etc.
i am reading the book on theo, am thinking about a session. also for destiny. she has more baggage than most.
that's an all too familiar story, jay. i was never made to believe lies by my parents, but i became convinced around 14 that i was not much of a person unless i was drunk or high. i consequently spent the next 7 years being either as much as possible.
thanks for sharing guys. glad to hear you're considering a theo session, debi. that makes me very happy, because it has proven, to me, to be a very helpful method in healing. :-)
...it's funny but the terms "Marine" and "puss" don't seem compatible...
fly bird fly...
i, too, am a product of the "Mighty Grey & Blue Wave" coaching staff... 2 shoulder surgeries later, I think about the "do it for coach" mentality that was fostered, & also see the "success" that the winning attitude brought to McQ, albeit after I left the school... fortunately, I did have the support of my parents through the pain & coaches (& teammates) rejection that continued throughout HS football, basketball, & baseball. Thanks J
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