had an epiphany, got an insight, got a revelation on something on fri. night. God has a very cool/interesting way of using certain things in our lives to talk to us.
i got my last/final notification that my pastor's license is expired & will put me on the "injured reserve" list. ;-) (inactive list). being my fourth notification & having to struggle a bit each time (about 10 mts. or so), i sought some friendly advice (per proverbs). one friend said, "i don't care about titles". my first thought to that was, "titles help in some areas with respect to access & influence". much like a degree or some certain form of achievement- some things get opened up & horizons get broadened.
i have spent most of my life trying to be "special" (important, in charge, accepted, approved, successful, etc.)- that's a fact, jack. i didn't always know (consciously) that that was what i was doing, but that is the truth of the matter. if i could do: x, y, z, & strive a bit more, i could be important/special. something of interest that i found in trying to achieve a bunch of stuff to "feel" important is that none of it changed how i viewed myself.
my thought process went something like this: i need to get one more degree, impress another in a position of authority, & conquer the world. i will get predetermined licenses, certs, degrees & then i can appear important & be somebody in this world.
Jesus has been working on me in this area for many years. there were other areas needing to be addressed before i could see this recent insight. before i could stop wanting the external world to give me my value, i needed to experientially realize who God says i am & really experience that in my soul/heart. if i know who i am, then i can more easily let go of needing external influence to define me- make sense?
my friend's quote above about not caring about titles hit me like a mack truck. in talking w/mindy & holding my pastor license renewal paperwork in my hands, feeling sad/disappointed/feeling of regret- something very profound/truthful entered my thought. does this license define me? does it make me more special? do i idol worship titles/importance?
Jesus shared w/me things i've already read/known (in my head), but this time it hit me in in my heart/soul. He shared that i am special. there's no-one like me. He also shared in my soul that i'm special in the context of serving/belonging to the collective whole of special people. we're all special, but no one/part is more important than the other. i had always strived to be better than the rest. to stick out & be recognized for things. one way this has been evident is in my thought life: why are people so dumb? so many dumb followers out there. they just don't get it. can you say, "elitism"? this is no different than what the pharisees thought they could pull off (we're better than most & have everything figured out).
i've been stuck in a long pattern wanting to feel loved, accepted, & forgiven. a way for me to achieve this, so i thought, was to impress others, so they would love/affirm me. what's the big deal about a title? right? it's pretty big stuff when you haven't felt loved your whole life!
last fri. night, i threw down/cut-off my unhealthy relationship to titles. i instantly felt something lift & gave a great big sigh. Jesus has healed me in this & i had to choose to let it go.
i never chose to be rejected, hurt, etc.... & so i don't beat myself up in attempting to get love in other places/things. i'm just glad to know the absolute TRUTH & to be free of yet another heavily draining thing. thank you Lord. title or no title- it's good to know that Jesus loves me & to let Him define me. it's pure joy to not have to figure or jockey in painting how my future will look. fact: it (my future) will look exactly how it will look- meaning: i'll let the Author/Painter of my life write the book.
i encourage anyone willing to read this lengthy post to truly consider if there's some void/unmet need in your life that is the motivating force behind what you do- besides serving/living from the heart that Jesus gave you. there's a slight possibility many of the things we do are for the wrong reasons.
for the first time in my life, i finally/freely join my close friend in saying, "i don't care about titles".
& i mean it!
jay
7 comments:
I'm proud of you, Jay!
Despite your current lack of title, I think you should know that you are one of the most encouraging and caring people that I know, and I appreciate that.
the absence of title when me met made you no less of a minister to me and my family, and your newly acquired titleless state will not make you any less able to love people and meet them where they are.
...this is a big deal (gross understatement)...thank you for sharing your heart on this...
Being willing to walk through something difficult such as this and then being willing to share it with others for their benefit strikes me as a pastoral characteristic.
I agree on the titles thing in general. I believe that when God graces someone with gifts or callings, those are generally recognized by the body at large title or not. Actions speak louder then words.
Thanks Jay.
You now have the opportunity for a self-appointed title. I've always fancied being called the baron. You can have that title since it hasn't happened for me.
I think that it is great for such a freedom to come when such a burden like that almost consumes your thought process. It is this world's way of making us feel accepted (titles) but not God's. I have had similar thoughts as well Jay. You are not alone. But I as well have been undergoing transition/molding in my life where God speaks to who I am and how He has framed me as an individual and I'll take His painting/artistry any day over this worlds. Great post!!!
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