transference is yucky & prevalent in any community that's in the LOVE business

to add some thought (not argue or take away) to a previous scoey-d blog post (...... saying "no"), i'd like to briefly/elementarily (this will be a challenge for me) touch on transference. you may be wondering how transference has anything to do with "saying no" & the boundaries that are in place.

transference, simply put, is some need(s) that is unmet in a person & that person goes looking for it elsewhere (other people). these "other people" are often some representation of what the person thinks they need to meet the unmet need. clear as mud? some examples being, a girl that didn't get daddy's love & affection- will probably look for it in other males & quite possibly in a promiscuous way, a guy that wasn't approved/accepted/encouraged by his father- will probably look for acceptance in authority figures such as pastors, elders, or any man that appears to be a strong male figure, & the examples are any endless amount of variations of needs unmet.

those transferring their needs to others for them to be met- primarily go about getting them met by high/unreasonable expectations. of course & obviously, the only One that can meet all of our core needs is Jesus. you can see how a person will look in all the wrong places (including their pastors) to feel "better". a person needing a need to be met doesn't have the most sensitivity or wisdom to consider "boundaries" & the "no's" that go w/them. i, personally, have been a "transference person/high maintenance/extra grace required/wounded" person putting expectations on people & weighing them down. i've also been the person that gets taxed, fatigued, burdened, & down-right "emptied". i've been the person that has idolized (person worship) & have been someone else's idol or focus of worship. sometimes & even quite often, a "transference person" is the guy/girl/adult/kid that is annoying, because they're so desperate & try to be your best friend whether you want them to be or not. as this can be quite annoying & tiring, imagine how the "transference/hurt person" feels in having to go to this extent to "feel" loved!

what am i trying to say here? understanding the different sides of our experiences/encounters/interactions can often help us to have compassion for the other side (whatever side we fall on- in any given situation/scenario). people that don't seem able to hear "no" from us aren't necessarily being intentional imposers- often they're looking for us to meet their unmet need. pastors & leaders will inherit, by their calling/responsibility, a bunch of people looking to him/her to make them feel better. you can't & won't & these people will be upset. kindly & lovingly explaining the "no" & the "boundary" will be a necessary step in loving on people. afterall, it's the hurting ones that Jesus came to save- not the "righteous". aren't we all hurting in some way? maybe our hurts are just more hidden, because we're "private" or "wise" or too "prideful" to share them w/anyone.

"man, so & so is killin' me. every time i turn around they're in my face wanting something of me. i wish i could pawn 'em off on somebody else. they're just making a clown out of themselves & need to get a life"! sound familiar? maybe even funny? consider taking some time to explain to these people & point them to Jesus for some healing. this way our boundaries stay in place & then w/love, we point them in the right Direction.