why does she cry? what is happening to her? is life really so sad?
i try harder & harder to block out the crying
every night comes a lurking sob down the hallway to my room
i cover my head w/pillows & blankets
i hide under my bed & in the closet
i run enough bath water (trying to be quiet) to submerge my head in
i put cotton/anything in my ears to block them
they float into my room/bathroom door & sink into my being
is there no way to be protected from them?
oh, no, i can hear sniffling & it's getting closer
oh, Lord make this stop!
she's coming to my room again
why me, Lord?
she slowly & gently slips into my bed & rests her head on my chest
she asks me to hold & to rub her to sleep
she continues to cry on my chest night after night
i am not even close to being 10, yet
Lord, you've always been w/me since i could put sentences together
i try to help her by singing & rubbing her forehead
i try to encourage & say everything is okay
in my mind i'm wondering who's to blame for her hurt
in my mind i'm thinking that all women get hurt like this
in my mind i'm thinking that this is a cruel world
in my mind i'm thinking that this world is unsafe
i feel responsible to care for her
i want to protect her & save her from her pain
i can't save her & can't take away her pain
the years go by & i'm still being strong
she still comes to me & cries
my habit of pulling my hair out & self-mutilation have increased
they only bring brief relief from the ugly feelings
now balding & w/scars on my scalp-
she doesn't come anymore - she rufuses to speak w/me
i think i may have unresolved issues/lies
all from the perpetual memories of a sobbing woman
Lord, please show me the lie(s) that i believe about myself & the world- that are inside these memories!
2 comments:
Wow. Jay, I want to be careful what I say here . . . I'm sorry if that is autobiographical . . . but that is some powerful writing.
thanks for even attempting to address me on this issue. i needed no creativity in writing this. addressing real events that hurt us, i believe, is the first step in being healed in it. supression/repression/denial only make us "sicker". for example, many Christians are dying inside, because hurt/pains/healing aren't an openly talked about thing in their church. so, life for them in this solitary, painful existence that prentends that everything is okay. this is performance driven & only adds to all the hurting people in the seats on sun. hillside is extremely authentic in this areas & i think that our openness on the hurting issues- will only increase.
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