kwurkee (confession to make)

i repeatedly heard from a so-called "loved ones", when i was growing up, that i was backwards, strange, odd, eccentric, quirky, etc..


synonyms for quirky:
aberrant, anomalous, atypical, capricious, deviant, different, disorderly, divergent, eccentric, exceptional, extraordinary, immoderate, improper, inappropriate, inordinate, odd, off-key, overt, peculiar, queer, quirky, singular, strange, unconventional, unique, unnatural, unofficial, unorthodox, unsuitable, unusual

this caused some inner turmoil, to say the least. every natural/innate/inner reaction wanting to come out, was held back for fear of rejection. most, if not all, core personality traits being jammed backwards deep into my being. i didn't want to be the "weirdo" of the family. i assumed that my family (adults) knew what "normal" was & it wasn't me. so, i created a "false- self" to be more acceptable to my family & the world i lived in. i became what i thought would be a AWESOME/SUPER-self. this SUPER-self was everything to everyone & was quite popular via manipulation/persuasion. there's more to the story, but that would take all day.....

you see, the FALSE/SUPER-self can't last forever. the pressure of the weight to be who you aren't, will crush you, eventually. your ability to hide your TRUE/CORE-self will become an impossible task. all the masks you wear will eventually get cracked & even holes on them. the continuous effort to be something your not- will come tumbling down. Jesus will shine His light on the deception of the enemy to make you believe that you're not accepted. the Truth: you are a masterpiece made by the Master Painter/Potter.

it was a while back- that i was talking to a friend @ church. i was working @ hillside on thursdays & enjoying it very much. i was expressing to my friend that hillside had many quirky/dorky/nerdy/geeky/ members. at the time, i was NOT talking about myself. i was reacting to an e-mail from a "quirky" individual that was disagreeing w/ me. after reading "quirky person's" e-mail, i got out of my chair & told my friend, "so & so is so stubborn & 'out there'. i was frustrated & from one friend to another, i was venting (nothing wrong w/ that).

the irony & truth of it all is astounding. i forgot that as a young child i stopped being me. as i grew up & went into adulthood, i had become some more acceptable to the world- so i thought. so deep in deception about myself, that i started name calling & judging someone for how God made him. i was probably very sub-consciously jealous of this guy being able to be himself no matter what others thought (authenticity).

as i tell my friend, w/ a smug/confident/better than thou air about me, i judge, get jealous, & write this guy off as just being a quirky dork. i say to my friend, "man, we're gettin' more & more 'different' people as time goes on".

you see, i'm not 1/10 of the things i've portrayed to most of you. i've worn masks for all of my life. masks that would make you like & accept me. masks that would prove me acceptable & popular. quite frankly, i took off my masks about 6 mos. ago. the pressure is off & freedom/liberty are w/ me. i've lost many years due to a vow i made when i was a young kid. i vowed not to be me! the weight of the lost years bring tears, but Jesus brings healing & freedom through His love.

the irony is quite humorous now. as i was mocking a quirky person, in essence, i was mocking myself. the world & its definitions can label me whatever they like, but i refuse to ever return to the negative stereotypes/hasty generalizations again!

i am kwurkee to the world- i'm good w/ that. i'm qwurkee to friends & family- i'm good w/ that. at least, now, i'm being me & that's: authenticity.


BE YOU!- i got your back.