The Damaging Silence

I'm finally giving up the ghost. Severe stomach aches from the muscle relaxants are too much to take. My right leg is dragging and I've tried all I know to do. I have fallen short. I have failed. I have done all I know to get his love. I told my coaches, today, that I'm no longer playing. They scoffed at me and ridiculed me in the locker room, "Your uncoachable, unteachable, and your family is crazy." TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW!!! I turned in my pads as the coaches took their pot-shots/made their digs.

I get in my car and I'm totally fearful of telling "him." How do I tell him that HIS dreams are over and I'm too physically hurt to continue? He only talks to me about sports and what will we talk about now? I walk in the door, fix my usual bagel sandwich w/lots of cheese, and start to stutter. I tell him that I'm done and can't play anymore. I tell him that after being in the hospital for my back and after being heavily medicated, I still can't get my right leg to work properly. I tell him I'm done. He tells me I'm wimping out and winners don't wimp out.

He didn't talk to me for over a year. A boy's mind goes certain places during times of rejection/loneliness. I started believing some things through this: I'm not loved, I'm only liked/loved if I perform, real men are not skinny, my talent was wasted, and others. These lies sank in and clouded everything I did. Not to mention, I had a very immense disdain for men and especially men of authority.

It has taken a lot of work to get through those lies. I'm still prone at times to feel rejected, inferior, not good enough, etc.., but true healing helps me daily if any of these thoughts try to interject themselves. When I hear the accusations now, they don't register as true. They now fall on deaf ears. I'm also very sensitive to children in how I treat them. What they like, think, prefer, and most of all: How they're FEELING. Often it's not the solution that a child looks for, it's the realization that they're loved, valued, and there's nothing they can say that will take that away. Nothing.

This was a little reminder that our children are unique individuals with a specific purpose for being here. Let's be careful to not live vicariously through them or expect them to be like us, or be too busy to spend time with them. We must remember this.

Jason