God's Voice and Our Reluctance

i love our hillside community. i really appreciate the humor and support we experience together. i'd like to be upfront about a few things that i claim as "struggles/thorns," and wear like a badge. i think a more accurate description of my "struggles" may be: "things i'm not trusting the LORD to heal in me." may sound harsh, but when i shovel the cr@p out of the way, there's one thing left: excuses and comfort in my "struggles." the struggles are familiar, even if destructive, and leaving them behind will take me into unknown lands/territories and if i don't watch it-- fear will drive my plans, actions, and behaviors. being concerned or nervous about something new is normal. fear and anxiety is a sign that i want to protect myself from what may come. why would i protect myself? nobody likes to get hurt or feel stupid. nobody likes to make changes that feel uncomfortable. how much of my protection is really an exaggerated way of protecting myself from fear that developed earlier in my life? i venture to say ALL. the thought process goes like this: i'd rather protect myself, not put myself out there, not finish what i start, not walk into new waters, because that will be better than feeling vulnerable and rejected. so, in essence, i'm attempting to control the outcome again: i am rejecting myself before "they" can, which "feels" a whole lot better than someone else doing it (behavior unlike a child of God). a controlling, prideful, unbelieving behavior will always lead to stifling the Holy Spirit and living my life less than at its best (living from the heart God gave me/us). does a child of God fear interacting with others? does a child of God shy away from others? does a child of God give excuses for years upon years when they hear their Master's voice? these are rhetorical questions of course, but good to ask ourselves. what impedes our spiritual maturity/progression/sanctification and our we willing to let Jesus heal us? this will mean us talking about what hurts and how it affects how we live. it's not easy, but it's the path to freedom. word.

here are some areas i've been freed from and some i'm still "working" on:

---why must i smoke a cigarette when i get stressed at work. what will happen if i don't have that cigarette?

---why am i afraid/reluctant to eat less food? am i starving? do i like having to deal with my weight all the time? what will happen if i eat in a moderate manner? will i die? will my life suck if i don't gorge?

---why can't i do projects or hobbies in moderation? why must i be the subject matter expert and strive to be the best at it? what will happen if people find out that i'm not perfect or the best at something?