Naked as a JayBird #3

In 6th grade, I made a decision to stop trusting ALL people. If my family was unpredictable and dangerous, then all people must be this way. I slowly started distancing myself from my friends on the playground. I started playing sports by myself and getting in fights with boys on the playground. I was “fighting back” in my home and getting restricted to my room for long periods of time. My form of “fighting back” was to use my mind and come up with ways to “talk-back” with wit. If I couldn’t control the physical realm, I could at least control my own thoughts and maybe manipulate the thoughts of those in authority.

Paradoxically, my disdain for authority figures didn’t stop my teachers and coaches from favoring me. I was pretty much bored in class and finished my assignments very quickly. Instead of worrying about if I could figure it out, I would worry about finishing it faster than the day before. I would race myself to keep it interesting. My 6th grade teacher, Mr. Brewer (Lemmon Valley Elementary), pulled me aside one day and said, “Jason B., you are smart, athletic, and your peers look up to you. Would you consider being the school Student President? If you would, then you should know that you’ll be on the local news next week making a speech about our school.” I gave the speech and received lots of attention for it. My parents, teachers, and peers made a big deal about it, and this fed the beast. Feed the false identity/ego/beast and watch it grow.

Two days after my “speech,” I got in a fight will Billy at school. Billy was a tough country-type kid (wore cowboy boots and such) and would bully the other kids. Billy decided that he was going to take my soccer ball and not give it back. I saw RED, punched Billy in the gut, the face, then took him to the ground and tried to break his neck with a half-nelson. Mr. Brewer happened to be on duty that day and pulled me off Billy. When he stood me up, he looked at me with such disappointment in his eyes, and said, “JASON, THE STUDENT PRESIDENT DOESN’T BEHAVE LIKE THIS. YOU HAVE LET ME DOWN!”

My logical deduction from these events: Performing the right way for each person in every possible situation will get me love/acceptance/approval. This is an ugly lie.

Who loves me, for me? This is the unmet need.