#9

My family had some pressured hopes for me in the middle of the silly mess we called family:

Dad: wanted me to be a painter and take over his business some day.
Mom: wanted me to be a psychologist.
Dad’s Mom: wanted me to be a politician and women’s rights activist.
Mom’s Dad: wanted me to be an IT expert.

My junior and senior year I started getting fearful of being a “loser.” So, in the midst of partying, I decided that I would need to get better grades if I wanted to graduate or go to college. By the end of junior and all of my senior year, I got a 3.6 or higher on progress reports. My JROTC commander offered me a full-ride scholarship to UNR to become a commissioned Army officer after four years of schooling. I was kind of interested, but decided to ask my girlfriend what she thought. She said, “Don’t do that, we’re going to get married and stay in the Reno area.” I turned it down and in its place; I received a $500 scholarship.

Lori and I thought we’d stay together forever. We broke up a few times our senior year, and then officially she broke up our first year in college. We both decided to attend TMCC our first semester, then would transfer over to UNR. The break-up was devastating to me at the time, and I obsessed about it way too much. What did I do wrong? Could I work harder to get her back? Lori kindly informed me that I was an emotional wreck and my family needed help. I had no sports, girlfriend, or joy. What would I do?

I got good grades at TMCC and transferred to UNR. I would hear from people that Lori was seeing people at a UNR fraternity. It didn’t take Lori long to get over and away from me and explore a bit. I didn’t look to date or try to pick-up girls—that wasn’t my thing. I was too shy and “felt” above having to be nice to girls. They would have to come to me. I “dated” a few girls that would follow me around, but nothing stuck. I got invited by a girl from youth group (a girl I knew from the church days) to visit her at Life Bible College. This was 4Square’s under-graduate bible school. I went down and spent a couple days in the dorms. I got in trouble when I took my shirt off to play volleyball. I also got in trouble for having earrings. I just wanted to see this girl, I didn’t want someone telling me how to look and dress. Man.

This Life Bible college girl asked me if I would attend the college so we could be together (boyfriend/girlfriend). I left the college and headed back home. I was extremely depressed and gave some thought to her offer. One night in particular, while in my sound studio room, I had had enough of life. I was hateful, anxious, fearful, and needed help in a big way. I got on my knees beside my bed and put my head in my hands and said to God, “I love You. I need You. I want to die. I need Your help. Should I go to Cali? for bible college/girl or stay at UNR? Lord, I will give you 7 days to talk to me. I also feel that I need a girl to help me work through this life and junk. Please provide her in a way that I know she’s from you.”

Mom got admitted to St. Mary’s for pneumonia and the docs were saying that she was gravely ill. What next? “Can I get a break, God?” Mom’s in the hospital, rest of family is on drugs and alcohol, and I am about to check-out permanently. I got a call from a friend inviting me to a 4th of July party. I told him that things weren’t going well and that I was going to spend the night with my mom in the hospital. He wouldn’t let up and kept calling me, so I decided to see my mom for about an hour, then would show-up at the “gahay” fireworks party. As I was getting off the phone with friend he said, “Hey, Jay, wait, there’s a girl named, Mindy, and she’s coming to the party—I’d like for you to meet her. I said, “You’re trying to set me up with all this sh!t going on?”