Naked as a Jaybird #1

It's the same thing every night. I'm afraid, nervous, anxious, worried, and am wide awake. I'm so tired, but wide awake. The familiar sound of mom crying is making me crazy. No matter what I say or do, I can't help her.

If I do fall asleep, I immediately go into a dream of me riding on a Twister ride with the Devil sitting across from me. He looks like The Joker and is smiling, laughing, and making fun of me. If not that dream, then some variation of me hiding from someone/thing by crawling through dingy tunnels.

In my anxiety, I started to mutilate myself laying in my bed. I would knot my hair, then pull it out. I would also dig holes into my head with my fingernails to release the anxiety/pain.

My elementary years were embarrassing, as I would have bald patches and sores on my scalp. One way to hide the damage was to wear a snow cap. Kids made fun of me without it on and with it on. I couldn't win. I turned to aggression to control my life outside of the home.

A bully and overinflated egotist by day, and a scared and nervous boy by night.